Suziecups

Life has been difficult these past couple of months.  But it wasn’t like that in the summer.  In fact, this summer I had NEVER in my life been HAPPIER.  My job was going well, and I found someone who I thought was the love of my life, and would be with me for the long haul.  My life was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I finally felt that I got the happiness I so much deserved.  It was a dream come true.

But it seemed as soon as I got used to the love, affection, intimacy and feeling of being in (what I thought was) a secure partnership, it was ripped out of my grasp without warning.  I had absolutely no choice in the matter and I had done my best to make it work.  It truly was a shock and I am still reduced to tears today, which is very out of character for me.  I think of the upcoming holidays that were going to be spent with my EX and all of the other plans we made.  Its sad.  I miss the way things were supposed to be.

Around the same time I was told that my job might be in jeopardy due to the state of the economy (surprise) and I might want to “start looking”.  I then had to let one of my assistants go, that I just hired, the day after the break up.

Two and a half weeks later, I lost someone who had been one of my best friends for over 5 years to a terrible freak accident.  He was only 36 and we had a falling out about 2 years previous that I thought one day we would have resolved.  When we were friends, he made me feel better than anyone had in my life.  I had never felt the specialness I felt when I was with him.  So the loss was even harder because now we would never have the chance to reconcile.  But with his death, the ill feelings were forgotten and only the good memories remained.  I miss the way things should have been.

Needless to say, my life has been rough recently.  I have never felt so alone as I have the past 10 weeks.   Even with all of the support of my friends, positive practices I have adopted, and activities I have been doing, it is still present.  But it is getting better… slowly.  It is one of the slowest moving progressions I’ve experienced.

However, I am a firm believer in trying to turn bad situations into valuable lessons.  Whats the valuable lesson here?  I am still trying to figure that one out.  But I do know that for most of my life I have been being not-so-good to myself.  Thats why I have changed.

In the past, if all of these things happened, I seriously would be dead right now.  I am not kidding.  My usual method of combating my life falling to pieces is to party myself into oblivion until I was numb.  Except after all of the substances wore off, I would become suicidal.  Well, I didn’t want to do that this time.  I wanted to take my own advice that I give to others “If something isn’t working, try something new”. Thats what I have been doing…things differently.

Instead, I have been trying to take care of myself through therapy, yoga, knitting, journaling, and all of that self-help crap I used to think was so lame.  Know what?  Its helping.  Its helping a lot.

I know I still have a lot of work to be done and I do take breaks in between to have a little fun.  I guess my point is that I realize that this time in my life is a period of growth.  I know that soon I will find joy again in the things I used to love doing such as cooking and being more social.  Its difficult but I know in the end, I will be a healthier individual who will find what she is looking for.

To all of the others that are experiencing life’s struggles, I hope you find your way in this chaotic world.  Its not easy in the wake of this recession/depression we are having.  Just take time to be good to yourself and realize that YOU are the one who you have to spend the most time with, so you might want to nurture that relationship a bit more. :0)

I wish this holiday could actually be observed, let alone at any time of year you choose! Coined by George Costanzas father on Seinfeld back in the day it was a holiday celebrated on the 23rd of December. One of the fundamental ideas was to sit around a table with your family and friends and tell them how they have disappointed you in the past year! Imagine that! Putting all of that aggravation to rest at one collective time! I know it seems mean, but really…wouldn’t it be nice to freely voice our grievances in a safe environment? Problem is, that safe environment doesn’t really exist.

There have been times when I have been treated unfairly by someone and have had to bite my tongue out of fear of offending them or just having them get up and walk out on me. At the same time I would say to myself, “God, I would really like someone to tell me if I did that, just so I might learn from it and avoid it next time”. But something stops me from doing it. I know its my bad, but seriously, most people cannot handle it when you express yourself in a way that holds them accountable for their actions. In fact, is usually has the reverse effect: you end up feeling bad for giving them the facts and YOU are made to feel like you are “too sensitive”. Often times this is just an excuse for someone to not take responsibility for what they have done.

Obviously, honesty is often not a welcoming thing. By honesty, I am not referring to tearing someone to shreds based on their appearance and abilities. I used to work with someone with who thought that was the definition of honesty. That, my friend is the definition of insecurity. :0)

I digress. My point is that being honest can get you into trouble when it should be admired, and rewarded. Its hard in this world to be truthful at times, especially when you really want to express what is in your heart, and you know it might hurt, offend or embarrass the other person.

I know Festivus is a silly idea for the most part but in the midst of the drama and crazy feelings I have been having in my own life recently, it doesn’t seem so far fetched. We may not be too far away from seeing it on a calendar one of these years…

I have been asked by a coupla friends about making a “Top 10 List” of some of my favorite places to go in The City. This is nearly impossible to do because there are sooooo many! But here is the first installment, not in any particular order. They are just cool-ass and you should to check ‘em out:

1) Martuni’s (corner of Valencia and Market) Anyone who knows me, this comes as no surprise. There are all sorts of “girly” drinks, without being overly sweet, complete with fresh fruit garnishes. If you get there during happy hour, you get snack mix with your martini… that can be considered dinner, right? Beware that the place is dimly lit but good for conversation. The only downfall? The choice of music leaves quite a bit to be desired!

2) Golden Produce (Church Street, between Market and Duboce) This place is great. Good choice of seasonal regular and organic produce. Get your T.P. at Safeway, and your veggies here.

3) King Foot Subs (Divisadero at Haight) Okay, be prepared to wait for your sandwich. It takes a few to fire up that chintzy toaster oven and warm your buns, but it will be worth it! My recommendation: your basic pastrami and Swiss, everything on it. Yum.

4) Flax Art and Design (Market Street between Valencia and some other street) I like setting aside at least an hour or so to check out this place. There is A LOT to look at. Bring your credit card though. That shiz adds up…fast.

5) Sun Fat Seafood (Mission Street, I wanna say somewhere near 23rd?) This is a GOOD place to get crabs. Yes, crabs. Get yer mind outta the gutter! You can also get all kinds of fish, which is really, really fresh. Quite often it is well priced too.

6) Delessio (Next to Flax Art and Design…can you tell what neighborhood I live in, yet???) They have unique mini cupcakes that are super cute and tasty. All their pastries and cakes have been pretty good so far. As far as the salad bar and hot foods bar? Those can be hit or miss, but mostly hit.

7) Lovejoys Antiques and Tearoom (Church Street, can’t remember cross street. Just Google it if you want to know) I suppose it was my many years working at a teahouse in Los Gatos but I effing love this place! Super girly and popular for bridal and baby showers, which means lots of women collectively saying “awwwwwww” about ever 3 minutes. That is the only annoying thing. Oh also, if it is a weekend, you better make a reservation or you aren’t getting in. The Queens tea is more than enough food for lunch with lots of variety.

Lehr’s German Specialties (Church Street, down the way from Lovejoys) Ah German groceries! Reminds me of my first job working in a Deli as a teen. There are some GREAT things here including Landjager (cured, dried sausage), kraut, pickles, chocolate ladybugs, marzipan (if you eat that sort of thing), and a bunch of lederhosen! WTF?

9) Conduit (Valencia and I wanna say 15th?) New restaurant I recently went to that rocks! The pork appetizer is amazing. Crispy pork belly, croutons, and house made pork rillette… OMG! Also the oxtail tortellini in an onion broth with a thin Parmesan cracker, oooooohhh! Ambiance is nice and modern with an exhibition kitchen. I definitely want to come back for many more visits.

10) Nijiya Market (corner of Post and Webster) This is your one-stop shop for fresh, inexpensive sushi, bento boxes, fresh wasabi root, pickled veggies, mochi and other Japanese ingredients. I always find something new here. It’s a place you could literally spend an hour in and still not see everything.

So my sis and my bro-in-law, hooked me up with a better blogger. Yay!

I will post soon…so stay tuned!

So I went to Beaver Creek last weekend. Its a posh-ish place in the Rockies, known for its skiing and luxurious accommodations. No, I wasn’t there on my own bill, but on Bon Appetit magazines tab. Otherwise, I would have never seen the beauty that IS Colorado in the winter.
I was a little scared of the cold, fully forgetting the fact that I loved being in cold weather, especially snow. But it had been so long since I had, the hype surrounding it was far worse than the actual temperature was.
So, it got down to about 12 degrees…peh! Its all good when you have a super-warm-knitted-hat-made-just-for-snowboarding on your head…oh and a good scarf helps too.
Anyway, as I said this was a Bon Appetit event in which chefs came to strut their stuff, do some networking and have a little fun. I was lucky enough to be chosen to be the pastry bee-otch and accompany my boss/co-worker/celebrity chef who had been invited.
There were lots of activities planned including dinners, cocktail parties, ski races, Iron Chef battles, wine seminars etc. It was a kind of “convention” if you will.
All these activities lead up to Saturday night where all of the guest chefs set up booths where they prepared small portions of food, to hand out to the paying guests who came specifically for this event. Everything went well. Thank God.
I always have a bit of a problem mixing buisness with pleasure. I suppose it stems from my desire for control over the situation, the fact that I am high strung when it comes to work and my desire to not look like a jack-ass, especially in front of my peers.
The ideal situation would be to stay one day AFTER the work is done, so that it is all behind you and you can chill out for a bit, maybe take in a half day of snow shoeing. Unfortunately, because of a knee injury I was not able to partake in the downhill action, but I did ice skate at the outdoor rink. Although I didn’t last long when the temperatures started going into the 10’s.
I have to say though, that I loved it. I absolutley LOVED being in the snow!! I felt like a kid again and went outside with my arms out in front of me, waiting for a large flake to land on my sleeve. You know, the kind that are big and dry and really look like the kind of snowflakes you cut out of paper! That is the best, really…the detail of a snowflake that you can see with the naked eye…
Also I realized how into snow sports the residents and visitors really are. Some people see the weather as an inconvenience. Its cold, its a bitch to shovel, it destroys your car, your skin, your toes, its dirty, its wet and its cold. It makes you want to move to California.
Others move to Vail BECAUSE it snows so much! The quality of the “powder” is superior to anywhere else in the U.S. People come from all over the world to ski these slopes. People get boring service jobs just to support their snowboarding habit! Its so awesome! To feel so strongly about something that can be so harsh and wild that you cannot bear to be away from it because its conducive to the happiness of your very soul. Wow! What a lifestyle. That is some intense shiz!
It is always nice to see intense passion in someone, whatever their passion is. It makes you feel alive and that anything is possible, really.
Sometimes passions need to be reignited. Sometimes you need a push back into the right direction, when you may have been detoured by something that appeared to be easier, only to leave you wanting more.
Moral of the story: If you have a passion, whatever it is, do what you can to stay focused. Sometimes the things that make us the happiest get pushed aside in the daily grind. Then we wonder why we are so unhappy with life. These things that we love, need to be practiced so that we can have peace of mind. Even if that means skiing in single-digit weather.

…about the next entry. I stand corrected. My all-knowing-baseball friend, Mike told me I was wrong about the A’s being responsible for the success of Jermaine Dye and Johnny Damon. Dye was on the Braves before the A’s and Damon on Kansas City. My bad. But weren’t they partially responsible for what they became? I think so.

At Oakland A’s games, frequently you see shirts that say “In Billy We Trust”. The meaning lies in the fact that we must have faith in the GM of the team because of his incredible knack for choosing up-and-coming players and turning them into stars (i.e. Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi, Jermaine Dye). Beane is also known for making educated trades and creating a team that quite often makes it to the playoffs, while maintaining one of the lowest payrolls in the Majors.
The release of the best seller “Moneyball”(2003) gave some insight into Billy Beane’s philosophy and even talked about current Major Leaguers while they were still on AAA teams. One of those guys was Nick Swisher.
Nick came to the A’s and brought such a GREAT attitude to the clubhouse. The fans LOVED him. He had a special handshake/dance for each individual player on the A’s, and he loved being an Oakland Athletic. He was signed through 2011 which gave a sigh of relief to many fans, especially because he really didn’t settle for “that much money”.

Today he was traded to the Chicago White Sox.
How horrendously sucky.

I remained faithful during the trades of Mulder, Hudson, Byrnes, and so many others.
I stood by them when they began talking about moving to God forbidden
Fremont, making them the Oakland Athletics of Fremont (?!?!?) Still
scared of that thought…
While they are talking about acquiring Barry Bonds, whom I dislike intensely, I am still holding fast.
I was even hanging on to a glimmer of hope after the trades of Scutaro and Haren, two of the best guys out there.
But now Swish?

That completely BLOWS.

It seems that it is next to impossible to be be a fan of a team with ANY of the same players remaining there for any extended period of time. I guess the solution is you must be a fan of a specific player, then follow that player through the 15 teams that he plays on through the years. Am I just an idiot for realizing this now?

In a world that is so chaotic and uncertain, it would be ideal if we could look to a
baseball team and know that once spring comes, our boys would be back. That long awaited cold winter would pass and we would be at the ballpark with our extended family once again. Not so. Instead, there is a new group of guys to get to know EVERY year and this year, the familiar faces will be few and far between.

Swisher will continue to kick ass. Mark my words. I will continue to follow his career wherever it may take him. I just hope that as an A’s fan, I can “trust Billy” even though he seems like he is making some ridiculous choices. Goddamah!!!

* Goddamah is a word created by a Mr. Jia Ming. Jia Ming was a Chinese man who I worked with and was curious to learn “bad words” in English, to coincide with the English classes he was attending at SF City College. Upon introducing the word “goddammit”, he pronounced it god-dam-ah and so it was adopted by all who worked with him at the time. It has stuck ever since. :0)

I have never been a fan of NYE…never. There is a lot of pressure to find the most “fun” thing to do around town. Often people keep their options open, just in case something more promising comes up. And in my experience, it has rarely been as exciting as the hype surrounding it. Although I think it is nice to reflect on the year passed and be with friends, I do not think it is neccessary to do this on a specific pre-determined day. Sometimes reflections can come at the end of a week, a day, or even a couple of hours later.
I find that I reflect most, during my time alone. I think of the good and the bad things and what I have learned from each one (at least the ones I can remember). I constantly think of how I can improve myself on a daily basis. Do I always act in ways that will improve myself as a whole? Nope. But I do think about it.
This NYE I will be working for a few hours, then going home early. I will most likely reflect, because I am sick and getting better is more important to me than getting drunk, especially on “Amature Night”. By this, I mean the people who go out only on NYE and cannot handle their liquor, only to be hurling on Market Street by 12:15.
No offense to those who do partake…please do! This year, it’s not for me. And it if isn’t for you, don’t give in to the pressure. Take it easy, reflect and realize that it isn’t much different from last night. Happy New Year!

So because this blog is public, I will not be so blatantly obvious about the details of everything I do, as usual. But I will say that things have changed in my life pretty dramatically- i.e Changing jobs after 6+ years at the same hotel, chained by the “golden handcuffs” (as the refugees call them).
But I figured it was a good thing to do, you know…LEAVE and try something new- opening a huge restaurant from the very start. Opening day is quickly coming, and things have been rather hectic as one would imagine. Mostly, I find it frustrating to get things done in a timely manner.
Its rather difficult to juice a case of limes without an electric juicer, or to make a lime-yuzu curd while a man 10 feet away is cutting a hole through the wall. Not to mention the wretched sneezing fits I have had from travelling through the site to the kitchen! But things definitley could be A LOT worse. Here are the top things I LOVE about the new job (not in any particular order) so far:

1) All new equipment- Any of my friends who are cooks can totally relate to this. It is nice not to have to go through piles of sheet pans to find the one that is the least warped to bake a level cake on. Or to actually FIND lids that match the bottoms of those different-sized Cambros? Whoa!
2) All new people- Its’ nice to not be the only new-kid-on-the-block. Chances are, if you are confused, everyone else is too, so you don’t look like the only jack-ass in the place.
3) I was found, and wasn’t looking for the job- Yeah, that feels pretty good when someone believes in you so much that they rally to get you in there, especially when they can get someone else for less. Thanks to my famous headhunter!
4) Stepping out into the unknown- I kinda like somewhat of a routine. When I get comfortable and I can do my job with my eyes closed (like at the hotel), I just go through the motions and I am not learning. I am learning again. Learning=Growing.
5) It takes me less than 10 minutes to ride my bike to work and I have parking- Bikes are faster than Muni. Bikes are way less annoying than Muni. Bikes are cheaper than Muni. Annnnndddd… I have secure parking in a garage which is great because I don’t have to worry ’bout my Marin getting messed with.
6) The place is GORGEOUS! Really nice. Its gigantic but you can tell they did not hold back on anything at this place. From the plates to the cocktails, to the decor, to the food. Its friggin’ cool and I am really impressed. And being a cynic, I am not easily impressed ;0)

Of course there are things I don’t like about the new job, but they aren’t too significant. It’s just a cool time right now and I am excited to bust some ass and show ‘em what I got.

Rain is often an inconvenience for many. People complain about it as though it is the most wretched thing on earth when water is the number one thing that sustains all life. Okay, okay, there are some times when rainy weather is not desired, like when I was in Phoenix at spring training and the A’s-Giants game was rained out. That was a major bummer for sure. Usually though, I welcome it. I love how clean the air seems during and after the rain. It rinses away the film of nastiness that cumulates on the sidewalks during the warm fall months in San Francisco. The sound of it soothes me and brings back comforting memories of being in the house I grew up in, eating fondue with my family and retreating to the floor in front of the fire and watching a movie.
The first day of rain is always very pleasant for me. I was thankful to not be working and be able to enjoy it, taking care of some errands along the way. I strolled around with my umbrella, and my thoughts and I was able to process some things that I needed to tend to.
Something I had been thinking a lot about was the negativity in the world, more specifically in my own life. This has been on my mind for quite some time, but only recently am I actually taking steps to reduce the negative influences in my life. Not to say that I am cutting everyone out of my life who has sucked at one time or another but more to be mindful of how negative people affect me, who I spend my time with and how I spend my time with them.
As I get older, my time becomes more valuable. I have eliminated some unhealthy relationships, especially in the past year or so. If this means I don’t get to do a bunch of things I don’t really want to do, just for the sake of being social, then so be it.
My relationships are very important to me. I take them very seriously. I enjoy nurturing those I care about and sometimes people take advantage of that generosity. Sometimes I find myself giving much more than I am receiving. That is my fault. But I am learning.
And the rain comes as a reminder to me that I am progressing and making these positive changes. Sometimes, it just washes away the outside film, revealing something that we might not have noticed if the weather had remained the same.